Oh, nostalgia. Feels good doesn’t it? Nostalgia is that fuzzy feeling, the rose-coloured screen put in front of old things that are actually a bit rubbish. It’s like the hallucinations in Trainspotting, and like a Class-A drug Pokemon is an addictive franchise indulged in by a fervent fan base across the globe. Pokemon GO takes the leap to a fully mobile platform and it seems to be taking over the world quicker than barista-style coffee or American foreign policy. So to stop ourselves from global despotism by the overlords of Nintendo here’s five reasons why you shouldn’t play it. You big sentimental baby you.
1. It’s broken
Across all regions, Pokemon GO has serious issues. Not as many as Rolling Stone, but still issues that are borderline game-breaking. You know it yourself – you’ve been walking around for forty-five minutes trying to catch that elusive creature and then the app crashes. You’re left staring at an iPhone screen praying for Miyamoto to come and fix your new toy as its hardware saturates with tears. Its servers are also temperamental and apparently open to attack by hacking groups. They probably got fed up with you mentioning it every fifteen seconds.
2. It kills people (nearly)
Ever depressing but popular TV show “the news” has enlightened us on all the silly mishaps taken by Pokemon GO players. From one individual calling the police because someone had stolen his Pokemon to two others in Florida who were shot at for being suspected burglars while searching for their beloved Squirtle. Yeah – shot at. With a gun. With real bullets. While playing a video game. By another civilian, not even the police for once. Thus, Pokemon GO = 95% chance you’ll be Uzi 9mm’ed. Or close enough. So don’t play it because it tries to kill you.
3. It introduces non-gamers to video games, which is of course wrong
It’s a nice sunny day and you’ve just returned from a good two-hour hunt for new Pokemon to add to your increasing library. Your girlfriend/husband/friend/dog comes through the door and asks, “oh, so what’s this new Pokemon GO thing? It looks interesting, I may try it”. Oh no. Oh dear. Nintendo have broken through to REAL PEOPLE who don’t normally play video games. It’s wrong, of course it is. We can’t let outsiders have them too. You calmly assure your wife/lodger/cat that it’s probably not for them. Normalcy resumes. Video games are for impassioned, yet myopic nerds who wear giant bifocals and create over-sexualised Overwatch fan art, aren’t they? Not for anyone who wants to indulge in escapism similar to watching a movie or reading a book. Or anyone wishing to express their creativity, talk with friends or just have fun. Right?
4. It increases unemployment which will bring down the whole global economy
The financial crisis of 2008/2009 was the unprecedented economic catastrophe of our time. Until Pokemon GO. The marriage of institutional complacency and unregulated capitalism is back in fashion, baby. A man with a functioning brain, suspiciously similar to me and you, recently gave up long-term economic safety to take his hobby of Pokemon GO up full-time. I don’t know the reasons he gave up his job and you shouldn’t care either because it’s clear that it only means the start of global unemployment as Pokemon GO encourages us all to direct our purchasing powers solely to Nintendo’s Flagship creatures. Soon we will all be Cillian Murphy in 28 Days Later wandering aimlessly around Piccadilly Circus with a Tesco carrier bag in one hand and a mobile device in the other as the world crumbles.
5. Pokemon Go is for kids and not adults
Pokemon GO exists exclusively for children. For kids that are care-free, endless summers, treehouse-building, bike rides and all the other stuff they get told to do but ignore and play video games instead. Not you, sir or madam with a 9-5 job and a German Shepard called Max at home to look after. You should be watching BBC dramas to talk about at work or budgeting for gas and electricity. Not playing stupid video games or writing about them (which losers do that).
Pokemon GO fans without a humour or satirical side, arm your pitchforks and I’ll see you in the comments for a chat if you so wish. For now, here’s a GIF that sums up the aforementioned list: